LLCoolBray

Things I have done this first week of Summer Break, in no particular order: Gone to the gym (twice, and it's only Tuesday!) Clipped my dog's nails (extra cardio) Made an appointment for my car Cleaned my refrigerator (like, took out all the shelves kind of clean) Played hours of Nintendo with my 7-year-old Played hours of board games with my 7-year-old Paid our Disneyland vacation in-full! Took a nap Finished one book and started another Started overhauling my curriculum for next year Meal-prepped for the week Sent my kid on a camping adventure!   Up next: Catch up on This Is Us Read more books Maybe take another nap Enjoy a 4pm glass of wine on the deck. 

If you would have told me a month ago that in four weeks I would be able to shovel piles of dirt and lift boxes of plants, I would never have believed you.  Here I am, 3.5 months post-surgery and finally, FINALLY, feeling healed. I went back to work on April 12th and while that first week was utterly exhausting, it was also exhilarating to return to my classroom and my kids. I had forgotten what it felt like to have a purpose and after approximately 5 seconds around my students, I remembered exactly why I’m a teacher. A classroom is where I am meant to be and where I am happiest! Well, aside from the beach and our cabin, at least. (wink)   In this past week, I have felt more healed than ever before. Instead of falling onto the couch everyday after work, I came home and worked in the yard (in between Little League games, of course)! And instead of crawling into bed around 7pm each night, I lasted until between 8-9 PM. The best part has been actually feeling TIRED at bedti...

While recovering from surgery, I’ve gone down the rabbit hole of Will & Grace, one of my most favorite TV shows of all time. I didn’t realize it was on Hulu, and I haven’t really stopped watching it since January because this is the longest recovery of all time and I’ve spent three months on the couch I love it so much. I mean, Karen Walker is basically a national treasure, amirite? Karen Walker aside, something I did not expect to fill my heart and mind while watching Will & Grace is the memory of Marion. You see, when I was in high school I used to go to Marion’s house everyday before cheerleading practice at 4:00 and, in that one-hour of time, I always watched Will & Grace. Sometimes Marion was home, sometimes she wasn’t, but her house was always open to me.   Marion's house. Insert wistful sigh here.    Marion’s house was Easter Bunny sightings on Easter Eve, Saturdays after the Holiday Parade, pizza, movies, and Garfield books. Her house was a carpe...

I am truly overwhelmed at the outpouring of love received since my last post. In fact, I’m convinced all that out-poured love was full of healing powers because I am officially leaps and bounds beyond where I was two weeks ago!    If you’re just tuning in, my last few posts were basically sad pity-parties that I held for myself in the form of a blog. I was disappointed that my healing process was stunted and I was unable to do anything to feel better. So many loved ones reached out to help me shake off the dust and pull me up from my sad hole of depression (I’m looking at you, Karen Clark!).  It is amazing what a few weeks and a few doctor’s appointments (and new HAIR) can do for the spirit! Last Tuesday I was cleared to begin light activity and I started going for walks and doing more activity around the house. I was super pumped for my first walk; put on my workout clothes and my running shoes, got my airpods going, and made it a grand total of ⅔ mile. Honestly, that’...

So, after my giant pity-party the other day, it looks like I may be (finally!) on the mend! My CT results showed nothing remarkable, which was both relieving and frustrating. Even my doctor voiced her frustration that there was nothing fixable (and hearing her say that made my neurotic self feel so much better). My physical exam, on the other hand, showed nothing remarkable and that was a major victory ! My doctor was excited to see how much better my internal stitches looked, no swelling or other signs of infection, and NO ACTIVE BLEEDING. She said she is cautiously optimistic that I'm back on track in my recovery! Of course, I have no chill and immediately started asking about activity levels and such, so she sat down with me and a calendar and we walked through the different physical activities I can start doing each week throughout March and April. Have I mentioned that she's the best and I love her? The only catch is that I need to have no bleeding for the next five days t...

I’ve been pretty quiet for the past week because I am struggling. Struggling with a multitude of heavy feelings exacerbated by what is probably the longest recovery in the history of the world (I tend to exaggerate when I’m feeling the feelings). It seems silly to be struggling at home on the couch with no responsibilities, since that was what I had initially looked forward to about this medical leave; COVID school year had me beyond burned out. I was doing okay as my recovery progressed and I felt a little better everyday but the original, small setback from a few weeks ago has turned into an ongoing setback and I’m finding myself feeling more depressed as time goes by.  The original infection is gone, but I’m still having unexplained bleeding and pain. I shouldn’t have any bleeding at this point in my recovery, and I’ve had multiple exams and tests done that simply can’t explain what is happening. I’m still on “couch rest” until they can figure out where all of this is coming fro...

My love for the movie UP has transcended my love of all other Disney Pixar movies. Since its release in 2009, it has remained one of my favorite films. But, like all good movies, it hits differently at each stage of life. In 2009, I was newly engaged, head-over-heels in love, and the thought of living without my "Carl" was heartbreaking. The love between Carl & Ellie in the first ten minutes of the movie still lives deep in my bones. The Carl & Ellie love is real in our house. Fast forward a few years to 2013-2014 when I was a new mom to a baby boy. My lens for the movie was entirely different; my focus moving from the love story between Carl & Ellie (yeah, yeah, beautiful and whatever, I'm too tired for that) to Russell, the little boy longing for a father figure. The thought of my son experiencing that level of pain destroyed me. The love story had shifted, just as my life had shifted. The next time I watched the movie, I found myself focused on Ellie, the a...

  There is nothing more frustrating than setbacks. Let me tell you, going backward in recovery is not fun when you are an impatient, antsy person who hates disappointment (I am lacking in some virtues). I was finally feeling good; no soreness, no need for OTC painkillers, etc. I was even able to go for walks and do some light stretching! But now? Now I am back on the couch with no activity for a week.  A few days ago, out of the blue, I started bleeding heavily and experiencing a lot of pain that pain relievers weren’t helping. I haven’t had much bleeding since my surgery, so that was a bit alarming. I’d also been pain-free for about a week, too, so I knew something was going on. I called the on-call physician in Medford (note: not my actual doctor) who assured me it was probably normal post-hysterectomy bleeding because I was only 5 weeks post-op and clearly not hemorrhaging, despite my claims that I hadn’t bled this much the day after surgery and I was in a lot of pain. I di...

I am three weeks post-op today and, while I am feeling a little better every day, things are moving much slower than I imagined. I am leaps and bounds beyond where I was a few weeks ago, but I still spend most of my time on the couch with a heating pad and the smallest activities lay me out for hours. I’m slowly learning my limits and accepting that this is going to be a very tedious recovery.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually spend ALL of my time on the couch; that wouldn’t be healthy. I am up and moving, taking short walks, going upstairs and downstairs in our house, etc. But by the end of the day, I’m sore and tired and usually laid out again on the couch with my trusty heating pad. The majority of my day is spent resting in an attempt to find a comfortable position. When I’m feeling down about this recovery and my inability to do pretty much everything, I remind myself that this is a necessary investment in my health. Despite all of these inconveniences, my post-surgical pa...

Today I found out I don’t have cancer.    I cannot begin to explain the relief that I felt when I received my pathology report this afternoon. There were a whole lot of other terrible things happening inside my body but, thankfully, cancer was not one of them. I cried (obviously) (a lot), and felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. I felt like I could finally breathe after holding my breath for so long. My family hasn’t had much good news in the past 6 weeks. Truth be told, we’re a bit of a mess on the medical front. Today, for the first time in a long time, we received a little bit of good news.    With all the breathing again and the relief-crying, I went out onto the porch for some fresh air. I have never felt better in my life and I wanted a picture to remind myself how that moment felt. When I see this picture, I’m going to remember the snow underfoot. I’m going to remember the chill in the air and the warmth from the sun. I’m going to remember th...

Last year, I compared my post-surgical wake-up to the best nap of my life. This year, not so much. I compared this wake-up to my c-section which, if you know the story, involves a spinal block that didn’t work and was one of the worst experiences of my life. I’m a big fan of not glossing over the sucky things, so I am going to be very honest about the recovery: It was not great. 0 stars. Do not recommend. Silver linings: The anesthesiologist worked wonders and did not want me to become “combative” in recovery because of my rocky history with anesthesia (his words) so he gave me some kind of drug cocktail that kept me nice and polite. It also kept me from breathing for a while, but that's okay-oxygen masks are a good look in a hospital bed. When I told the doctors and my nurse that I felt similar pain to my c-section, they said my pain level was to be expected because they just did about three times the cutting inside me than a c-section, but they would try to help manage my pain as...