Struggle is part of the story

I’ve been pretty quiet for the past week because I am struggling. Struggling with a multitude of heavy feelings exacerbated by what is probably the longest recovery in the history of the world (I tend to exaggerate when I’m feeling the feelings). It seems silly to be struggling at home on the couch with no responsibilities, since that was what I had initially looked forward to about this medical leave; COVID school year had me beyond burned out. I was doing okay as my recovery progressed and I felt a little better everyday but the original, small setback from a few weeks ago has turned into an ongoing setback and I’m finding myself feeling more depressed as time goes by. 


The original infection is gone, but I’m still having unexplained bleeding and pain. I shouldn’t have any bleeding at this point in my recovery, and I’ve had multiple exams and tests done that simply can’t explain what is happening. I’m still on “couch rest” until they can figure out where all of this is coming from, but I can finally drive as of last week, THANK GOD. I’ve discovered that driving is clutch (pun absolutely intended, even though I drive an automatic) for my mental health.


My mental health is fragile right now and, for some reason, that is hard to admit. I’m usually not shy to admit that I struggle with anxiety and depression on the best of days, even when I’m not two months into a recovery that seems to have no end in sight (again with the exaggeration). Over the years, I’ve found many tools to help me fight my depression and anxiety but with my current physical limitations, I’m not able to utilize most of those tools, so it makes sense that I am struggling more than normal. 


I reached out to my therapist last week and after meeting with her yesterday I still feel blah, but there is validation to what I am feeling:


  • It is okay that I am feeling depressed. I am recovering from three major surgeries in one.

  • It is okay that I’m done with being on the couch. I am recovering from three major surgeries in one.

  • It is okay that the things that normally bring me joy are no longer bringing me joy after eight weeks. I am recovering from three major surgeries in one.

  • It is okay to feel frustrated, scared, and confused that my recovery is not progressing. I am recovering from three major surgeries in one.

  • It is okay that my family is feeling burned out with my recovery. It is not a reflection on who I am as a person or their love for me.


In my darker moments, I have found myself doubting my decision to have this surgery (like buyer’s remorse, but without the frivolous, fun purchase attached). I’ve thought maybe this wasn’t the best option and maybe I should have waited. Maybe this is the universe telling me I shouldn’t have done this. Maybe I didn’t really need it at all. I brought this up at therapy yesterday and thank goodness, she set me straight and helped me get back to a better headspace. Yes, I needed this surgery. Yes, it needed to happen ASAP. Any amount of time longer would have resulted in further damage to my organs and possible resection (and no one likes a colostomy bag).


I go back to the doctor tomorrow to review my CT results from last week. It’s weird to hope that they find something they can fix, because I really don’t want anything else done to my body right now, but I also want a tangible answer. I want to hear that “xyz happened” and “abc will fix it.” My bigger fear, aside from another procedure to fix something that is wrong, is that they won't have any answers and we will have to wait and see. I’m a person who really likes structure and timelines and, as I’ve been reminded, healing is not always linear. Each of these surgeries would independently have a recovery of 6-8 weeks. To expect that I would be fully healed from all three at the same time in 8 weeks was probably unrealistic from the start. 


As I’ve said before, thank you for being on this recovery journey with me. I hope that someday my blog will have space for something other than health-related issues again. In the meantime, stay tuned for more of my extreme over-sharing and lack of boundaries. 

 


 

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